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R.I.P. Lex Americanorum (Sept. 17 , 1787 - July 9, 2008)

Lex Americanorum, the King of America, passed away this afternoon on the Senate floor. Lex had been ill for some years and White House-ologists in Moscow have long suspected that one or more cabinet members had in fact taken responsibility for most major decisions. The exact identity of this person had not been firmly established, but most experts agree that it is Vice President Dick Cheney.

Lex was born on September 17, 1787 and became king shortly thereafter upon election by representatives of the 13 American colonies. Lex was able to survive and maintain power for nearly 221 years, despite numerous attempted coups such as those by Presidents Andrew Jackson and Richard Nixon.

Lex is succeeded as King of America by former President George W. Bush, who will henceforth be known by the title Tyrant George I. Most White House-ologists expect former Vice President Dick Cheney, who will now be known by the title Vice Regent, to continue to be "the Decider" - the term used by White House insiders for the individual with ultimate decision-making responsibility. A sizable minority of experts think that the Decider will continue to be - and always has been - former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, although he holds no formal position in the administration. Some White House-ologists suspect that his resignation was a ploy to distract attention from his actual governing actions.

Lex's illness and inability to govern had been noticed some time ago by White House-ologists who noted that his orders were disregarded by members of his government with increasing frequency. Although there were occasional attempts to prosecute those who disobeyed his edicts, these attempts were generally abortive, and none resulted in substantial punishments.

The circumstances of Lex's death are not entirely clear. Although he had been ill for some time, some suspect foul play, possibly at the hands of Tyrant George and his followers. Even prior to the panic of September 11, 2001, the Tyrant had been seeking to overthrow Lex's rule. Nevertheless, most experts agree that it is unlikely that Tyrant George will permit a truly independent investigation. The legislature has ordered such an investigation, but observers expect Tyrant George to be successful in significantly influencing the outcome.

Lex is survived by his wife, Libertas, and his brother Iudicia Libera. Mrs. Americanorum continues to be hospitalized and in critical condition after receiving a blow to the head when she and her husband were attacked by a panicked mob of legislators and government officials in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Doctors familiar with the case said that even if Mrs. Americanorum is successfully revived, she is not expected to survive the shock of her husband's death.

Allies of the Lex dynasty, including The Electronic Frontier Foundation and Congressman Ron Paul's Campaign For Liberty, have vowed to fight to place a member of the dynasty on the throne again as quickly as possible.